Monday, December 3, 2012

Facebook Personality Types, Chapter One

If your on Facebook, you've probably noticed that people post stupid shit. Perhaps you are one of these people. Well, for the past several months I have been carefully scrutinizing my facebook feed and silently judging everything everyone posts. So far, I have managed to identify 10 categories of Facebook posters. Since I know your attention span is short, I will only share the first three Facebook personality types....

1) The Inspirational Quoter

This person frequently posts inspirational quotes on their Facebook page, most often accompanied by scenic and heartwarming pictures of sunsets, butterflies and mountains. "Reach for the Stars!", "You can do it", "Your unique like a snowflake!"
The Inspirational Quoter means well. Spreading positivity and joy via their facebook page is important to them and they simply want to brighten your day....or do they?

When I log onto my Facebook feed and see an inspirational quote by Wayne Dyer with a rainbow backdrop, I think "how nice" and then I smile. But when I scroll down and see not just one, but several inspirational quotes, a heavy darkness descends on my heart. Why in God's name are there SO MANY inspirational quotes in my newsfeed?

Because life on Earth is a fucking disaster, that's why. Do you think if we lived in a world of peace, love and joy that these inane, uplifting quotes would even exist? I think not. On some level, most of us are on the brink of complete breakdown, but are still barely holding on thanks to seeing a picture of a lotus flower with an Eckhart Tolle Quote beside it that someone just posted to their Facebook timeline.

2) The Outraged Informer

Pedophile on the loose! Rapist just escaped from prison! Environmental disaster on the horizon! Can you believe it?! This is an outrage! Sign this petition! This needs to be STOPPED!

The world is a scary, unjust and dangerous place and we need to know about it every time we log onto Facebook, according to the Outraged Informer. Because they care about humanity, they have taken it upon themselves to diligently report about all the bad people, horrible events and impending disasters that exist. So we can be prepared. They also watch and read The News like its gospel. Their main motto is: THIS SHOULDN'T BE HAPPENING!

And thank goodness for these Facebook types, because if it weren't for them posting disturbing news stories that I find myself compelled to read at 11:45pm right before I go to bed each night, I might actually be able to breath easy and have a good nights sleep.

3) The Gloater

Somewhere between the Inspirational Quoters and the Outraged Informers lay the Gloaters. Like the Outraged Informers, they also want to inform you....on how fabulous their lives are! But unlike the Inspirational Quoters, their aim is not to uplift you and prevent suicide, but to strike jealousy, resentment and inferiority into the very core of your being.

The Gloater posts things like:

"Sipping Pomegranate martinis and watching the sun go down from a rooftop in Barcelona!!!! Can't believe how amazing my life is!"


"Jetting off to Hawaii with the love of my life for a month of surfing with dolphins and having mind blowing sex on the beach!"

or even

"Having lunch at Olive & Thyme with George Clooney and the gang."

These people are assholes. If your a gentle soul, like myself, you might be tempted to think that these people mean well and don't intend to annoy, but to merely express their gratitude for their amazing lives. But no. They are assholes.

And they intend to make you feel as if your life pales in comparison to their grand adventures and celebrity hobb-knobbing. Whatever you do don't click "like" or respond to this claptrap. Instead, click "hide all updates." There - now you've won.

Tune in next week when I heartlessly lampoon the next three Facebook personality types - Gratitude Queens, Kryptic Posters (aka Attention Whores) and the worst of the bunch....Parents! I will not rest until I have equally offended everyone on my  friends list.

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  1. Even worse than inspirational quotes are those preachy quotes...the ones about Karma and shit

  2. Sometimes it seems like Facebook was just made for douche bags. I can think of quite a few annoying "types"